Somewhere in between (50 shades of SHUT THE FUCK UP)

Somewhere in between (50 shades of SHUT THE FUCK UP)

I like telling girls they’re pretty. I’m just that kinda asshole.
But just to be completely thorough…
I don’t tell pretty boys they’re pretty, well, cuz from one dude to another, it’s actually kind of an insult. Unless the dude is gay and reeaallyy trying to be pretty, or if he’s not gay and dressed in drag, ¬†you know, still trying to be pretty, then…I dunno, I’d probably call him pretty (for the sake of making sure EVERYONE is included, cuz, you know, everyone needs to be recognized and given a trophy for their participation in humanity)

no…seriously…none of us asked for this. We should just take a second and recognize that.

PLUS I only insult people through dry, subliminal snarkery. Unless, of course, they deserve to be called an “incompetent fuck-stick” to their face. Then maybe I’ll make an exception.

But, yeah, no. I LOVE telling pretty girls they’re pretty. Randomly. Anywhere.

Now on to the even sexier stuff.
I think I’m about to blow your mind, hold on to your butts. (Or you know, maybe I’m not and it’s only my moderate narcissism coming out to play. Whatever, here it goes)

I’m an inclusive dater…
As opposed to an EXclusive dater.
With me so far?

Inclusive dating. Go ahead, roll your eyes, I’ll wait…
Now shut up and pay attention, cuz I’m the one with the microphone and you wiLL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY.

I feel like, on some level, I have to make up for all the douchebag dudes who don’t know how to treat women. So, naturally, I want to show as many women as I ‘vibe with’ (that’s what the kids are saying nowadays) that it’s ok to vibe with multiple people. As long as both parties are honest. It’s not ok to lead someone into thinking that you want to be more than friends or more than booty-buddies (the British say that, I think).

Some would call my dating lifestyle ‘polyamorous’ which is totally a thing, but I think that I tread somewhere juuuusssttt below that, only because I don’t call the girls I’m ‘dating’ (I also use that word loosely cuz it means different things to different people) my ‘girlfriend.’
Also multiple ‘girlfriends’ sounds like an exhausting predicament.
I’m dating. We’re dating. Everyone’s dating. (K maybe not everyone, but dating doesn’t sound like a word anymore).

I think calling someone a “girlfriend/boyfriend” traditionally implies exclusivity. You’re both ‘courting.’ A societal ritual that no one has participated in since 1949. It’s whatever, (my decade references are not to scale).
To the best of my knowledge, the way people ‘court’ each other, nowadays, goes something like this: they meet, they decide to spend more time with each other, they see if they have physical chemistry to match their established mental/emotional chemistry.

someone feels something stronger than the other but is too insecure or unsure about how the other person feels to ask or open any kind of honest, vulnerable, dialogue so they go day in and day out feeling these things and never finding the courage to express them, and now they’re having sex and sex is awesome, and fun sometimes… or maybe that’s the only sex they’re getting and they don’t want to go through another 6-month-long-sexless slump so they put up with the idle small talk that is generated through countless text messages and social media blathering just to be able to see the other naked, again.
So, either, you’ll both realize down the line (probably later rather than sooner) that you can’t stand the thought of each other or you’ll fall out of contact. Whether intentionally or not, sometimes it makes no difference.

ta da. courting.

I think EVERYONE should ‘date.’ Get out there, experience people. Know people intimately. It’s ok to do this. The whole preconceived notion of “sluttiness” is a farce and I hate it. Experience what you want to experience and anyone who wants to tell you how to live your life can fuck themselves in the face.

The idea that one person can (and should) only be with one person at any time sucks. So you’re supposed to, what, either get married, settle down or break up in a flurry of pesky emotions and energy leeching apathy (that doesn’t make sense, but it’s fuckin’ poetic, aight? [pronounced eye-t]).
I’ve come to terms with how I feel about serial monogamy, and I’m not sorry when I anounce that it’s just not for me, not at this stage in the ballgame, anyway. The girl who locks that portion of me down has to be my own embodiment of Aphrodite (if you don’t know who that is, read a book).
UNTIL THEN, I will date
What that means is I need to:
1) Be completely honest and forthcoming with every woman I get involved with by letting them know that if they wanna do this thing, they gotta share. Sharing is ok.
2) Not get jealous. Never been an issue. But if someone I’ve been out with is also going out with other people as I am or have the potential to be, that needs to be a thing that I’m ok with. It’s part of the deal.
3) Communicate effectively. Going back to number 1. No half truths or lies. I need to be able to open a dialogue about EVERYTHING regarding the terms of the dating endeavor.
4) [Think of more guidelines to make myself seem credible]

Unless I can totally just keep it simple. Which, I believe, in all cases, is the best policy. comma, comma, comma splice.

Here’s MY proposition. If you’ve read this far you can’t stop now. Ready? It’s easy…

Quit fuckin’ bitchin’

Sure, finding someone that fits all your precisely unobtainable, incomprehensibly high standards while also finding you, yourself (a person who should hold him or herself to an equally high standard) completely tolerable, is difficult. But guess what, statistically, there are at LEAST 3 billion other versions of the opposite sex floating around this world. That’s a lotta beans in a one bag (do people even fuckin say that?)
What I’m saying is don’t lose hope. You can’t. Actually. I can’t anyway, I’m currently operating on hope and a sickening amount of caffeine.

So do me a favor, quit whining. Suck it up. Learn how to be single. Love yourself. Enjoy spending time with yourself. Fuck, even enjoy having sex with yourself (Cuz if YOU don’t who ELSE is gonna…shit, and that’s just off the top of my head)

Shit, man, I can’t think of anything else and I’ve been working on this post for like, 3 mutherfuckin’ weeks.

I’ll have more to say on it, I’m sure. But until then,

Cheers, beautiful people,