I’m over saying that my posts will not be Safe in a Work environment. They aren’t and they will continue to not be. If you have a problem take it up with my manager. If you can find him…
No, seriously he owes me money…
No, seriously seriously you think someone put me up to this? Ha! I waste my time on my own accord

I’ve realized something as I transfer the weird shit that flows through my mind onto the pages of my journal. I realize that, nowadays, the success of my generation (the godforFUCKINGsaken MILLENNIAL GENERATION) [millennial: a word I would probably never ever spell correctly if it weren’t for SpellCheck] is based on how much attention one can accrue on the interwebs. LITERALLY (used as ‘literally’ and not a ‘figuratively’…cuz my generation FUCKED that up too) winning popularity contests on an interface where people only see the projection that YOU want them to see is a way to make a stupid amount of money…which, I guess is all anyone cares about.

It sucks. It fuckin’ sucks.
But it is what it is. And I try to accept that.
While I’m convinced that the internet will fail society at one point or another in the future and the whole of everything will crumple into crumbly ashes and there will be a mass panic because EVERYTHING will be solely dependent upon the functioning of an online world.
It is not this day, and (unfortunately) I believe I will be gone from this world before that ever happens.
But there will be a day when someone with a machete is going to fight someone with a sharpened piece of industrial rebar for a can of Bush’s Smoked Baked Beans in a world riddled with nuclear fallout and fuckin’ giant ants ‘n shit.

We’re getting off topic (is there a topic?)

No. No, there isn’t.

There’s this weird thing that happens within the realm of online dating (speaking of interfaces that suck) where, as a guy, I run into these fake profiles. Now, I don’t know if this happens to girls (it shouldn’t cuz they shouldn’t have to put up with something like this considering the shit they ALREADY have to put up with from guys who don’t know how to be a humanfuckingbeing) but these fake profiles have pictures of girls that are either ACTUALLY the girl who is talking or have been stolen (cuz hey, everything on the internet is free, right?) I will express my interest through a ‘like’ a match will occur, and wouldn’t ya fuckin believe it, she’ll message me first.

Red flag, cuz most girls don’t do that. I dunno, something about pretending not be interested and playing a game called “to get hard” or some shit. (props to those who get that joke. Even MORE props to the people who experienced a spurt of dyslexia and actually read it as “hard to get”)

This cute girl will say something utterly intoxicating…like, “Hi.” the smart ones will anyway. (The dumb ones will, kick it off with something like “Hey I’m in town for two days here’s my hotel and my number, I’m horny. [they’re not. they’re not horny])  Then I’ll respond with something clever and dashing like “Hello.” Then we’ll jump right into the stimulating meat of the conversation and she’ll make a move by asking “What are you looking for on here?” and I’ll give her an answer about how I actually like dating girls and hooking-up, while fun sometimes, (can’t lie) is just to fill a fix and is ultimately unfulfilling…like a bag of pop-rocks.

That’s when she comes on strong with something like “I need you to help me blahblahblahblah my boyfriend has erectile dysfunction and I still love him but we can’t fuck so I need someone to fuck me blahblahblahblah discreetly blahblah tinder is giving my phone a virus and I don’t want him to find out here’s my email blahblahblah or better yet visit my website blahblah (some opposite-of-low-key cam-girl website that will destroy my computer’s hard drive with a flick of its daddy issues [sorry, that was kinda mean {I’m not}]). I’m sitting there like “What kind of a poor, insecure, shell of some flabby, oxford-wearing, sweat-stained, rolling-rock drinking, fantasy-football playing, 40-something, still living in his parent’s basement mother-FUCKER do you think I am?
how FUCKING stupid, do you think I am?

stoopid…sometimes I am, but when it comes to common sense, I’ve gotta pretty stable cheshire cat’s head on my shoulders…get it?

But, fuck man, I’m not a sucker.And if there’s ANYTHING that ACTUALLY grinds my gears, it’s when people TRY to pull a tactless fast-one on me. Whether or not these cam girls are real, I can appreciate their persistence in “the hustle,” but you’re dealing with the wrong shmuck and you’re too fuckin’ pretty to get paid to be treated like you may or may not be.

but what the fuck do I know?

cheers, beautiful people,


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