So Imma stick to posting on Mundaiz (Mondays), Wed-nez-daez (Wednesdays [show me someone who doesn’t sound it out when they’re typing]) and Saterdayz (Saturdays). Because consistency is key. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the third rule of the major five.

It goes 1)Safety First 2) then Teamwork 3) Consistency 4) Communication 5) & Consideration…don’t ask, I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.

and communication is the key to any good relationship so if none of those days work for you…suck it up and read it another time, it’s not going anywhere.

THAT being said, I would like to give my very first forewarning to the beautiful people reading these words. This post is Not Safe For Work ([NSFW for the computer layman] almost none of them will be). There will be language in the genuine-ist of forms. If I offend you, I’m sorry…no, I’m not. Bueno. *Deep Breath*

Holy FUCKING shit.

Goodness FUCKING Gracious

Jiminey FUCKING Christmas

or (for all my atheists out there) Jesus FUCKING Christ (& being raised a Christian, it still stung my fingers to type it…huh)

Gentlemen. boys. boys. boys. Come. On. Man, We’re so much better than this (are we?). Yes, yes we fuckin’ are…

…now you’re supposed to ask “but wait…what?” *sigh* Lemme lay it down for ya.

We as the Millennial generation have been hashtag blessed with the wonderful apparatus known as the internet (there’s a joke in there about great power needing great responsibility…fukt THAT up). With this platform, the very primal, still daunting, activity of DATING has been made much EASIER. One does not even have to venture from one’s double bed to enter into the “dating scene.” The internet has its own dating spectrum to optimize convenience and opportunity, both of which it does SPECTACULARLY. I’m not going to get into the details but I’m fairly positive that there are hundreds of sites that are dedicated to finding each specific dating niche and making it easier for the people that identify themselves in that niche to meet each other and indulge in…well, one another I guess.

And Gentlemen, my fellow straight guys, we’re failing…to some…mythologically EPIC degree.

I cannot speak for the other sexualities and genders other than mine, but from what I’ve witnessed and what I’ve heard about the conquests of straight guys attempting (barely) to woo the straight women of the world through the interwebs has been less than admirable. Cringe-worthy is the term.

Now, I am not trying to bag on anyone’s “game.” I’m not saying pick-up lines don’t work. Too many times have I heard “blahblahblah…I knew it was a line. We’re going out on Saturday.” Whatever. The men (I use THAT word lightly) to whom I am pointing the proverbial finger are those whose attempts at verbal seduction chip away at my faith in my side of the species.

Just wait, I have examples.

I was a Tinderer…then I deleted the app…theeeen  I downloaded it again…then I got discouraged (left swipe)…theeeen I got lonely (right swipe) and I’ve been on it ever since. [I won’t say how UNCANNILY similar that sequence is to a few high school ‘couples’  I had the privilege of knowing] Point is, I Tinder. I won’t lie, I enjoy it. And I’ve met a couple very nice ladies who have given me the pleasure of their company (unintentional horn-toot).

A friend of mine who is, in fact, a pretty girl, also indulges in the occasional Tinder escapade. I’m not saying that men’s online dating exploits are easier or more difficult than women’s, but there is one aspect where we as men are failing .

The first message.

Just to get it outta the way, I LOVE it when a girl messages me first. I think it shows that she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no man…or whatever. Anyways, it’s usually not creepy either, I LOVE it. Shit, I’ll even respond if it’s just “hello” as boring as that may be, it still shows initiative and I like that.

In the Tinder corner of the interwebs it is customary (I guess) for the man to send the first message. Which is completely understandable. Sending the first message to a girl that I’ve matched with would, among other things, show the ability to take the reins. On a very primal level, that’s attractive to women (tha fuck do I know?).

Here’s where we (men) are wrong.

My pretty friend who I told you about matched with this dude the other day, and wouldn’t you know it, the guy had the stones to message her first. His message is word-for-word as follows:

“Hey what’s up? You’re really hot. Not gonna lie, I would love to have sex with you.”


My VERY first thought upon reading this poor attempt at seduction was “Oh, at least he used the proper form of ‘you’re’

But this, my friends, is the ‘R’ rated equivalent of “Hello.”

C’mon man. Let’s break it down, shall we?

“Hey what’s up”: Probably my LEAST favorite phrase in the English phrase book. It’s a greeting, fine. But where do you go after that?…you know what it is? It’s small talk. It means nothing. It’s something you can say to someone where only the worst people would give you a response. I would not want to talk to those people. If someone asks me “Hey what’s up” with the intention of starting a conversation my answer is “No, ask me something else.” Next.

“You’re really hot”: Proper ‘you’re’ form for the win! but…uh…duh. If you didn’t already think that you wouldn’t’ve swiped right. UNLESS (and I’m unfortunately guilty of this too, it was a dark time) you’re participating in a ‘speed round’ where you swipe right no matter who it is until your likes run out. This dude lucked out either way. Still too obvious of a statement. To his credit, again (silver lining, amirite?) he didn’t just stop there. Some unfortunate souls have been known to spout “your hott” and expect an answer from that grammatically incorrect pile of douchebaggery. Let’s finish this.

“I would love to have sex with you.” uh……DUH…fucking DUH. You’re male, she’s female. Your genetically predisposed conglomeration of cells sends a message to your brain that ultimately translates to “PRESERVE THE SPECIES.” And how do humans do that?

The Stork.

But the Stork only comes if you have awesome sex. To my knowledge anyway. There’s a lot of paperwork that needs to be signed, address changes, you have to make an appointment MONTHS in advance. It’s a whole thing….

I get it. I get it. To my friend’s credit she very tactfully provided an answer to the effect of “a lot of people do.” To which he replied “Yeah but they can’t fuck you like I can.”

Nice, bro. *slow clap* totally awesome. Don’t you have Health 201 homework to finish?

Because only some asshole with pubescent-high-school-grade brain waves would be STOOPID enough to think THAT LINE would actually work. Maybe, just maybe, if you take her out, show interest in her as a person and not just some…ugghh we’ll get into that later…QUIT BEING A FUCKIN’ DOUCHE. *smack*

It bums me out to think that my cohorts on this side of the species have the potential to be so utterly selfish. Then again, the more I think about the situation, the more I’m impressed by my friends cool, sophisticated responses in the face of such douchebaggery, the more I get to thinking “well, there’ve gotta be more girls like that out there who don’t put up with bullshit.”

And I guess if there are, and they’re denying the “hey-what’s-uppers” of the world. That leaves a lot of openings for the other guys. The guys who will ask you if you like coffee or tea, or if you prefer the book or the movie or how much money does it take for you to get on stage and sing “Love Shack” at karaoke together. If the universe is fair, and it is sometimes, they’ll both re-download the Tinder app.

And maybe, just maybe, they’ll both swipe right.

Cheers, beautiful people.



3 thoughts on “C’mon, man. (a rant about online dating from a straight guy. One of many I’m sure)

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